Graveyard Blues

I'm broken. I'm broken with nothing left to give. I have nothing more to give. And it’s ok for me to feel broken. I don’t need to excuse it or hide it, pretending I’m not.

My only fear now is if I’ll always stay broken? Will I always have nothing to give? Is broken my new identity? Or was it always my identity?

I know where I am. I know what I have to do, but do I have the strength to pull myself through? Well not now. No. I am now in the pit and I need to stay here for a while. This place is where I need to be.

Amongst the dirt and the stench. It’s what I’m most afraid of. This is it. This is it....I couldn’t go deeper than this. This is rock bottom, and I need to feel it.

It can’t kill. It can’t kill me. It isn’t pleasant. It’s ugly, but it’s here in the pit, that I have my skeletons of false beliefs, my demons of fear . I couldn’t resurrect them by standing at the tomb stone, and reading their names; Unworthy, Stupid, Unwanted, Powerless. Skeletons and demons need to be resurrected by going down, down really deep down into the pit.

It’s dark down here. Dark, wet, dirty, scary and sad. So many bones I’d never thought I’d see again. They have no substance anymore, the worms had their way with the flesh. They don’t seem as strong as they used to. But they are still here. Their spirits, a black cloud over my head.

I had to find all the strength I had to come down here, to face them head on. I dug my way down with my nails. It took me years but now I am here....and I won’t leave....I won’t go. I can’t go. Not until I face each one of those skeletons and demons. And tell them what I came down here to say:

 I’m broken. But I am still here. You did not kill me.

And now, I will stay down here with you. I will sit here with you in the dirt and the decay, unmoved, looking you square in the face.

Untill it dawns upon you; That someone who has lost everything, has also lost their fear.

You are now looking at your worst nightmare.

by Tarryn Tomlinson

Dreams

All people dream but not equally.

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind

Wake in the morning to find that it was vanity.

But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people,

For they dream their dreams with open eyes,

And make them come true.

by D.H. Lawrence

New Age Nonsense

Hokes pokes, magic smagic, new age mumbo jumbo! Close your eyes, visualize, pretend that you are great!

Look rich, act the part, even if you don’t have a cent, pretend that you live in luxury even if there’s no money to pay the rent!
Love your neighbor; give her praise, even if she’s a bitch. These are just a few of the tricks to help you to get rich!

Imagine yourself, living in perfect health, even if you have a tumour growing in your lung. And when you are laying there in your sick bed please...for heaven’s sake don’t look so glum!

Pretend that you don’t have a care, when you know that your husband is having an affair. Think a beautiful thought of him every day, to prevent him, from slipping away.

Those are not wrinkles on your face!! They are laughing lines, signifying grace. You have been well informed of your spiritual worth, and you do know that this is heaven on earth? Oh no?!

Well, then we must proceed to change the books you read. I have a list of eBooks, on xp, that I could borrow you if you need?

Hokes Pokes, magic smagic, those author’s all say the same. They want to delude us; into thinking that we are Gods’ and life is just a big cosmic game!

I hope you are smiling? I am, and it maybe of some surprise to you to know that I am one of those people who believes in the new age mumbo jumbo. I have read the books, visualised, affirmed, and prayed, chanted, said invocations. Burnt incent sticks, mixed aromatherapy oils; I have studied Japanese energy medicine. Took concoctions that tasted like…..I’d rather not say. Been poked, stuck with needles, I’ve had my chakra’s balanced, I’ve had my polar energies aligned, and then realigned, I’ve been on diets consisting of all raw, natural food, and I have consumed in my lifetime, about 50 gallons of green tea (I have no idea how much a gallon is, but it sounds alot). And why? I was in the pursuit of health, happiness, dreams, magic and romance. Was it worth it? Absolutely!

Life before all the Hokes Pokes was just hard and getting harder. I couldn’t understand who I was nor why I was on this earth. Neither could I understand why I or anybody else had to suffer. What was it all for? Was God trying to play a cruel trick on us? Was I being punished? Was there even a God to begin with?

Well I got my answers slowing but surely. Consistently studying the different forms of healing and the different modalities of prayer and self-study was like peeling back the layers of an onion. The outer layers representing the physical manifestations of our lives whether pleasant or not. The middle layers representing the beliefs and thoughts that we have about ourselves and life which subsequently creates the outer layers . And the inner core representing the formless heart of all creations; past, present and future. The inner stillness that has the power to change any of the other levels instantly. The road of self-discovery is not an easy one. There are so many different ways from which to approach it. Apart from that there are also many unpleasant things back there that we really don’t want to deal with. So why would anybody willingly go look for the pain? Ouch! Well most of us don’t want to deal with it and so we block it out and develop our coping mechanisms. Whether it be smoking, drinking, neurotic obsessions with being thin or beautiful or keeping our houses clean, being judgemental, over-eating etc.

Some of us although, dare to go down the road of self discovery, and what we discover is that life is nothing like what we had previously thought. And the work of self discovery is never done. By coming to understanding who we are, we begin to see our relationship to life and other people in a different light. But the real ah-ha moment comes when we begin to grasp that we participate in the creation of our lives. When we begin to understand that we are not victims but that we have carefully constructed our lives to be exactly as it is (even if we did it unconsciously). Everything in our lives is there because of a belief that we hold, and once we discover that belief and challenge it, effortlessly our lives will begin to change.

One of my greatest stumbling blocks on the road was thinking that there was a ‘right way to do this’ That there was a certain ‘thing’ to do and that if I wasn’t doing it then I wasn’t going to get the results I wanted. This caused me a lot of stress and actually has been counterproductive in producing the results I wanted. Well there is no one way to self discovery! Now I’m learning to trust my intuition completely. We are all different and complex and the self healing path too, is unique to each person and is complex.

For example, If I don’t feel like being in the presence of a certain person it means that they aren’t good for me in that moment in time, and that I should trust my guidance and stay away from them. Before I would have allowed myself to be in their presence so that I could learn to accept them or to be a good friend etc. But this never worked for me! I’d always leave more frustrated and think, ‘why did I just not stay away?’ Love they neighbour is a lesson we would all be better off learning, but I’ve realised that if I’m not feeling up for it, then it means I’m not ready!! And that’s ok!!! I’ll learn that lesson at a different time and space when I am ready.

The road to self discovery is more than being about drinking herbal teas, chanting, yoga and balancing chakras is about being true to yourself. Every step of the way.

‘Follow your heart’ is a phrase I’ve heard many times before and I’m dedicated to do that no matter where my heart may lead or whether it makes me popular or not.

Hokes Pokes Magic Smagic....roll it off your tongue. Alice fell down the rabbit hole and my journey’s just begun.