Graveyard Blues

I'm broken. I'm broken with nothing left to give. I have nothing more to give. And it’s ok for me to feel broken. I don’t need to excuse it or hide it, pretending I’m not.

My only fear now is if I’ll always stay broken? Will I always have nothing to give? Is broken my new identity? Or was it always my identity?

I know where I am. I know what I have to do, but do I have the strength to pull myself through? Well not now. No. I am now in the pit and I need to stay here for a while. This place is where I need to be.

Amongst the dirt and the stench. It’s what I’m most afraid of. This is it. This is it....I couldn’t go deeper than this. This is rock bottom, and I need to feel it.

It can’t kill. It can’t kill me. It isn’t pleasant. It’s ugly, but it’s here in the pit, that I have my skeletons of false beliefs, my demons of fear . I couldn’t resurrect them by standing at the tomb stone, and reading their names; Unworthy, Stupid, Unwanted, Powerless. Skeletons and demons need to be resurrected by going down, down really deep down into the pit.

It’s dark down here. Dark, wet, dirty, scary and sad. So many bones I’d never thought I’d see again. They have no substance anymore, the worms had their way with the flesh. They don’t seem as strong as they used to. But they are still here. Their spirits, a black cloud over my head.

I had to find all the strength I had to come down here, to face them head on. I dug my way down with my nails. It took me years but now I am here....and I won’t leave....I won’t go. I can’t go. Not until I face each one of those skeletons and demons. And tell them what I came down here to say:

 I’m broken. But I am still here. You did not kill me.

And now, I will stay down here with you. I will sit here with you in the dirt and the decay, unmoved, looking you square in the face.

Untill it dawns upon you; That someone who has lost everything, has also lost their fear.

You are now looking at your worst nightmare.

by Tarryn Tomlinson